what's normal?

I've made only a couple of stupid mistakes of late and have not recorded what they were and so have forgotten.

Other people lose their car keys or something with regularity. I love reading Tim Dowling in the Guardian, who records his shortcomings with passports etc. Was he dropped on his head at some point? Or are all humans just simply imperfect?


What I feel mostly at the  moment is the absence of panic. And perhaps I am experiencing less weighty fatigue. It's not a spectacular outcome, I'm not suddenly able to do calculus or anything, but it's huge. Less brain freeze. Less brain fug. Came in handy when Thames Water caused a leak from my apartment to the flat below...while I was out of town. I failed to experience brain-freeze and although I felt the temptation for the wheels to freeze in their tracks, I pursued options one by one. I have to reflect though that I was not alone - someone helped me google a local 24 hour plumber which was causing me a tad 'frazzled blindness'. Never used that phrase before, but it sums up what i was experiencing.

Often in life I have not attempted things or avoided things for fear of that feeling of panic and failure. That state is so unpleasant and one feels so helpless and humiliated in its grip. It is more than the event, vastly hugely more. And somewhere one realizes that and the urge then to gee onself into capable, adult action at that point only makes things worse. 
Hm, now that I accurately describe it to myself like that, this calm is a huge outcome indeed. Can one only clearly describe a mental (slash emotional) state accurately once one is OUT of it?


I had another visit with Dr P. on 3rd May. She had recently attended a conference on tinnitus and the speaker had kindly shared his power-point presentation with her. The 'event-stress-further activation-stress' cycle was supported by his research. I also learned that the tinnitus noise is created like this - there is the 'inciting incident', so to speak, then the symptom (the noise) followed by ensuing concern, then anxiety at the symptom, fear of the return of the 'inciting incident' (in my case the techno playing neighbours), which is when the brain starts looking for the original offensive sound and.....
that brain activity of looking is (or creates) the noise that you hear, if I understand correctly. Nature can be cruel. Or at lease counterproductive, it seems.


Three of my four 'protocols' (or little bespoke programmes for selected parts of the brain) are regularizing nicely and Dr P wants to get the last recalcitrant one sorted out before we start on the Tinnitus. 

Then I want to go for the brain brightening. Calculus here we come. Only kidding. Shakespeare memorization perhaps, better problem solving definitely. Financial acumen, that would be great.


I have been directing/devising a piece of outdoor theatre. There was a day when I looked like it wasn't knitting together. I went to bed affirming that the idea had to come up from my unconscious. And indeed it did. At 3am. I began having extra insights. I'd lurch up and scribble in the book beside my bed, switch off the light, lie down and then lurch up again. This happened about seven times. I did get my solution. This may or may not be related to the brain work, but I found it interesting to observe nonetheless.What's new is the sure belief that it's not me  who comes up with anything it's the 'everythingness' as my friend Drew said the other day. The universe, the great collective unconscious, the Field, Unity, however you want to call it. Not just brain work but The Artists Way and The Sedona Method have helped me not just think that this is true, but to experience the trust that it is true.
Oh god (there is none?) do I sound evangelistic now? I just came up with another word. The Universal Genius. That's what we plug into when acting, or when clowning. Create the conditions as best you can then in that fullness of emptiness, await the impulse in the moment.