inbetween

I have 3 week of 9-5, well actually 8.30 to 7pm.

I am normally freelance, each day is pretty much different from the last - it keeps me on my toes and makes  my little  vertical filofax year planner (the most light-weight diary I can find) the most precious thing in my life.

So now I have three weeks and a day of heading to the same destination each day. I have been looking on it as a kind of retreat, a kind of holiday. I am working up to 13 and a half hour days, yet it's a holiday of sorts.

The job is 'chairing' an audition process. It involves dealing with people which is familiar ground and a strength of sorts. It also involves overseeing a system that has several components: student helpers (who in the very first moments of arrival perform at least 5 different functions for starters), a student leader, panel members, candidates, the admissions department, the school's reception, the maintenance team sometimes and 13 - 14 rooms with slightly different setups and different functions. It involves looking at tabled lists of panelists, student helpers and remembering the protocols for each of these roles. It involves knowing the time flow for the day for each of these different roles and mini protocols and holding in mind do's and don'ts. It also involves a lot of collating and cross checking. It also involves making sure things happen on time and it requires a lot of running up and down stairs. There are three pathways on the course with shared aspects and different criteria and priorities. There are a host of panelists who work in shifting pairings and often in different rooms each day and they all have names and faces to remember. There are special considerations - among the 100 or so candidates daily there are up to 15 people whose disabilities must be communicated to the panelists so they can take these into consideration. There are 4 panels and three kinds of workshops (one of which is mixed between two pathways).

At lunch my colleague and line manager and I must open 10 folders containing 7-10 candidates each (sometimes more), open each applicant's UCAS form, check the markings from each of three different panels and initialise these in the appropriate column on a table format form on the front of each of those ten folders. There are other names on this form - there are always no- shows and we mark these accordingly and record on the folder form as well. We move the forms of successful candidates to the appropriate folders (now six of these) for the afternoon sessions. We create a flow sheet for the afternoon - some candidates get called for all 3 pathways, some for two, some for just the one. This must be written manually in duplicate - well really in triplicate. If I don't write my own copy I can feel at sea or embarrassed in the afternoons.

The old me could never have even written all that. I am proud of my enhanced ability to categorize and list. This is due to knuckling down as my ability to begin to learn this system predates the brain training.
When, at moments, I flail at this task, I wonder - would anyone find it difficult? Is this just what is entailed in learning a system? Is it particularly hard for me? Is it because I led such a solitary childhood and even adulthood (solo performer from 1983 to 1988 - therefore simple lack of habituation)? Is it due to brain damage from the car accidents?

My colleague fires questions at me sometimes and in the name of honesty I must record my immediate experience is fog - then reach for a piece of paper. I notice she has the ability to remember first and last names of candidates over a period of minutes. I must have it written down or I am lost.

Day 1 - unusually, a duplicate of the form stapled to the front of the folder is also contained inside (uncollated by the Student Leader) - for some unknown reason I fill out this duplicate. As I am stacking, with a cautious sense of satisfaction the folders, I am amazed and perplexed to see the front form black and I hurriedly complete it, wondering worriedly at my brain ....'I thought I did this'  is a horrible thought. Later I find the loose sheet (and erase it). 'Oh ok, I did do it, and I can trust my memory...to a degree'. But now the worry is - 'how did I confuse that loose sheet of paper with the normal format?'

I have instigated checking and checking again procedures for previous mistakes I have made - eg two pathways share a form for a certain workshop and I get a bit blind when a yes and a no are both circled.


Today on the front - of folder forms I forget to highlight the name and pathway of two successful candidates. I had counted and recounted. Three times in all and was feeling pleased and confident. But I failed to run my finger carefully down the column to ensure I had highlighted. I counted and courted and could not match my colleagues' count. Disorienting and humiliating.

I am so thrilled to be doing this work as it is a growth area for me. I am really am not methodical /was not been taught how to be methodical. Years ago I was doing a mailout of scripts and introductory letters for a cast for a play I was directing. I felt it was boring to do each task one at a time and would vary it by changing the order. Completing three steps for one envelope, then having to open the envelope because something was not included etc etc...


Today I also noticed myself failing to see a name on a tabled form right in front of me. I am getting better - a year ago I spent a panicked hour looking for a person's form - I had placed it in the wrong folder because two people had the same surname. It sounds dumb but I was so overwhelmed before - now the boxes on the table panic me less (it took a while for me to get that I only need scan the highlighted names in the afternoon/evening process - now I can scan first and last names).



Several times today and yesterday I said ' I am a moron.' That unpleasant feeling of not being able to trust oneself, of fearing people will lost confidence in me. The look when people raise an eyebrow at such an obvious mistake.

Yesterday at lunch I got in a flap form filling under time pressure. I am working through forms when my colleague has moved onto the flow chart. Today I was thrilled to do my own flow chart - I did it as I went, but that made me miss the highlighting step, I think. My aim is to be Zen and clear headed and unflappable and professional and an exemplar of non-violent communication (Marshall Rosenberg) and clear and nonreactive and impartial and flawlessly professional and helpful and quick to pick things up and a great role model and loving to all. I want to be clever. I want not to make any mistakes.

My sense of humour is outspoken and clownish. To some degree a coping mechanism. Can be fun - and occasionally it doesn't serve me. I feel I have undermines myself and that's when I crave a demeanour of 100 percent Gravitas or Zen-like-calm!