In February this year (2011), I went for my first consultation with Dr P.
Did I also tell Dr P this: I want to remove all the impediments that stop me getting on with projects. I've tried to work on the courage and commitment and passion, but still some important things stall me: doing budgets (can't won't) doing timetables, thinking in terms of schedules, projecting plans and sticking to deadlines (aversion and mental shutting down). I've heard and fear the term self-sabotage but have never read about a clear cure for it. Although the CBT work I did last year was extremely helpful.
I have done all the soul searching involved in re-inventing myself after a personal crisis and come back to theatre (while continuing to enjoy doing coaching work). But applications for Arts funding (necessary, because it's hard to save on Theatre earnings) involve form-filling and budget-making and systematic thinking and reading up on funding schemes (I dislike reading from the computer screen).
But there's only so much time left. I urgently need to be better, cleverer, quicker, smarter, more accurate and more confident.
Dr P asked about blow to the head. In my physical theatre work I have received a number of blows of various kinds, including being dropped on my head. As an actress in Brisbane in the 70's, I was slapped on the face nightly (theatre in the round, can't really fake it) by a tall young man with a large hand. One night I felt my jaw swing what felt like inches in what seemed like slow motion. There was a period in the 80's when - heaven knows why - I repeatedly would crack my head opening the kitchen cupboards.
There were also car accidents. I walked away from each with no blood or bumps that I recall, but no doubt with whiplash injury. One when I was 20 and rolled my car - an interesting experience, with total calm and slowed time: 'ah, doesn't the cracking windscreen in the rain look pretty!'. Another around 1997, misjudging the time I had to turn and a car coming at a greater speed than I thought. The last in 1999 when a guy ran into the taxi I was in. I really remember this as I had perform that night. I was lucky to be able to book some kind of a session - osteo or shiatsu. I felt my whole torso to be hanging or bending over to the left. I mean I was standing straight but there seemed to be some kind of invisible shock body pushed over in a curve to the left of me.
Dr P wired me up a little and had a first look. I mentioned the invoices and Dr P said, yes, you find detail difficult. She said was thinking possible Brain stem injury. Sounds scary - 'all fixable' says Dr P 'and it's good you do this now so that you don't have more problems later'. Good point.
She said she wanted to send me off for two diagnostic sessions with two different people. Car accidents can cause bruising. And sometime scarring.
She asked about fatigue and I was puzzled, I knew I liked to chill out in the evenings but wouldn't have used the word 'fatigue'. I replied 'well, I can sleep for Britain, but I thought that was me being lazy or depressed'. I can always get up to make work appointments. At 5am if necessary. And stand for hours and be attentive and alert, and hold the focus for a group. And I do my yoga and pilates routine before I leave the house. I can get by on 5 hours a night or even 4 and teach or coach well. But on days when I am working for myself, at home...it's the snooze button again and again. If I can be released from that, that's a significant plus.
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